To keep the commandment to “love our neighbour as thyself” requires us to acknowledge that we are also commanded to love ourselves. We have a responsibility to have a form of self-care that helps us maintain good mental and emotional well-being. Loving others doesn’t give toxic people permission to dismiss our needs, our own thoughts, or our own feelings. It is our responsibility to set relationship boundaries, make rules, and hold family members accountable for their actions. If we are people pleasers, we may feel doing so is beyond our comfort level, but that should be an indicator that we need to work on making sure we are loving ourselves and are meeting our needs.

So how do we do that? In the Ignite Your Light program, I give women an important tool, which is knowledge on the different types of boundaries, five simple principles of boundary setting, and three steps in creating a healthy boundary. In this video, I will go into detail about the different types of boundaries.

Think of a boundary as an invisible fence around your home. Your home represents your safe space that holds your sense of identity. Which must be guarded and protected for your own emotional and mental health. You determine the type of relationships you will allow inside and you determine any unhealthy relationships that will be destructive to your sense of identity. Emotional abuse is anything that attacks or demeans your self-worth.

There are a lot of different types of fences just as there are different types of boundaries. We can have clear boundaries, poor boundaries, rigid boundaries, soft boundaries or a complete lack of boundaries. What type of fence do you have around your home? Do you have a fence? Having no fence at all represents the first type of boundary. Which is a lack of boundaries in our personal lives. We are people pleasers that focus on meeting other’s needs and neglecting our own needs. We allow people to abuse and mistreat us with no consequences. This is extremely destructive to our emotional and mental health and creates low self-esteem. Which goes against God’s commandment to “love…thyself”.

The second type of boundary is the prison fence with impenetrable walls and razer sharp barbed wire that will hurt anyone who tries to cross it. This represents rigid boundaries that lack compassion or tolerance. If anyone even gets close, we fear toxic relationships will get inside. This is a very lonely, angry life and is just as damaging to our emotional and mental health as having a lack of boundaries. We focus on meeting our own needs and we are dismissing others’ needs. This type of boundary also breaks God’s commandment to “love thy neighbour”. Healthy boundaries requires a balance between having our own boundaries and respecting other’s boundaries. As we protect our own self-worth, we protect the self-worth of others.

The goal in setting boundaries is represented by a white picket fence. It is welcoming, beautiful, and kind, yet has a clear boundary. So how do we create that type of boundary? Healing our emotional and mental wounds is the key. Having no boundaries may be the result of low self-esteem. Having a prison wall as a boundary may be from hurts that cause us to not trust others. Either way, healing ourselves is the first step in creating the good boundaries we need in our lives to be able to love our neighbor as ourself.